


Wrong Room!

by bearsquares



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Bisexuality, Casual Sex, Crushes, F/M, Implied/Referenced Sex, Short One Shot, sword boy gets owned by axe girl, trips and spills feleth everywhere
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-10
Updated: 2019-10-10
Packaged: 2020-12-07 18:56:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20980748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bearsquares/pseuds/bearsquares
Summary: Toward the end of certain routes, some baffling bit of coding has Hilda just chillin’ in Felix’s room by herself. We don’t know why, but she’s there. I wouldn’t call this detail “fic-provoking” but I couldn’t resist playing around with such a trash fire dynamic.In short, Felix is a dick to Hilda and she eviscerates him.





	Wrong Room!

**Author's Note:**

> EDIT: New discovery! I've put an embarrassing number of hours into this game and just recently noticed that the month Rodrigue shows up during the Academy phase and Feef is hiding in the dorms, he's standing outside Hilda's room. They switcheroo'd that shit! HOW LONG, FELIX? HOW LONG?
> 
> My partner looked at me like I was Charlie ranting about Pepe Silvia. I don't know why this is so hilarious, I'm sorry.

"Oh! I just remembered what I had to tell you!"

"What?" Felix panted, more concerned with Hilda's absolute lack of sweat than her grand epiphany.

"The professor dropped by while I was waiting for you."

When he first agreed to Hilda’s proposition, he had been on the verge of a frustration-induced breakdown. So he fucked her. Big deal. Why should he feel guilty when plenty of people were meeting up in every secluded corner of the monastery whenever they had a free moment and a willing partner? But guilt was not the issue. He had been cocky and too out of his head to consider the lifetime of torment he would have to endure if Sylvain found out—or Ingrid’s unwavering, blood freezing judgment. He didn’t consider the professor, either. They spent a lot of time together and he liked to think he understood her better than most, but he had apparently been deluding himself. The unpredictability of her reaction honestly terrified him, and he never reacted well to fear. 

**"WHAT?!"**

"Yeah.” She sighed, repose in the middle of his rumpled bed sheets. "I mean, she didn't say a word about it. We actually talked about—"

"Get out."

“Huh?”

“Out.” 

The way Hilda blinked slowly and shifted her eyes left only made him angrier. She was still more relaxed than annoyed, and immune to coercion. What understanding did he expect from her? To think he was about to apologize for writing her off as a lazy con artist.

“I’m not joking.”

"Ugh! What is your deal? Calm down—"

"I knew this was a mistake," Felix growled, now on a manic hunt for his underwear. Most guys would kill to have a cute girl naked in their bed without payment or commitment, but he was done with it. The desire to erase the past six hours of his life and forget this happened overpowered any gratification he may have felt otherwise. 

"I mean, if she did ask, I would've just said I thought this was my room. Pretty clever, right?"

"That's a terrible excuse and you're a terrible liar."

"Okay, humor’s off the table,” she muttered to herself. “Not to sound nagging or anything but you kind of asked me here and now you’re trying to throw me out like garbage. I think you can afford to stroke my ego for two seconds."

"I've stroked you enough. Leave."

She pouted at that, invoking her godlike charm — which she only used for evil, he was certain. It had been the same when they crossed paths outside of the Training Grounds that morning; her vivacious energy (and ruffled thigh-highs) had him in an instant. Five years of struggle and bloodshed had taken its toll on everyone except Hilda, it seemed. No different from their academy days, still committed to her carefree lifestyle in spite of everything. 

Without thinking, he had stopped and tossed her a snide "why are you so damn relaxed?" 

Her answer had been easy and cheerful. "I've been having a _ lot _ of sex."

That wasn’t unexpected, but saying it to him in that particular moment was nothing short of masterful on her part. Seduced with one sentence like a complete patsy virgin.

She had giggled at the face he made, then followed up with "why, feeling tense?"

And he got precisely what he bargained for, but now the jezebel was loitering in his bedroom, taunting him.

"You're talking this _way_ too seriously."

He bit back with sarcasm. "Am I?"

"Uh, yeah? You're freaking out just because one person caught me standing in your room — wearing all of my clothes, nowhere near your bed, minding my own business."

"Well, it was the wrong person." He dumped her clothes onto her naked lap. "I'm not going to tell you again."

She glared up at him. Having never incurred the wrath of Hilda, Felix didn't know what to expect. She was deceptively powerful, always making excuses about being weak and then charging into battle swinging an axe like it weighed nothing. He also just gave her hell in bed and she showed no signs of fatigue. Still, he glared back, daring her to do her worst. 

"Are you in love with the professor?"

The question almost knocked him flat, cutesy inflection and all. Hubris led him to underestimate and disrespect his female classmates and he always paid for it. This, however, was far worse than a pit trap or having his sword vaporized with a fire spell — it was like a hex threatening to flip him inside out even though Hilda didn’t know a lick of magic.

The answer was yes. Completely. There was no room for denial when the only thing that got him off after completing the Hilda Valentine Goneril Endurance Test was the anonymity of staring at her tits. They could have belonged to anyone if he didn't look at her face, anyone he wanted. Someone else’s perky breasts jolted with every frustrated smack of his hips, someone who would allow more than ten seconds of fingering and less than ten minutes of missionary. Someone else, he thought, would have given him silent, physical encouragement rather than Hilda's weird, patronizing words of praise. “Yowch! You’re in_tense!” _ and “Oh, wow! That feels ah-mazing!” 

"That's soooo cute!" Her sing-songy voice dragged him back to his room. His horrible, cursed room. "I mean, who can blame you? She's so gorgeous but kind of rugged, you know? And her hair is, like, ultra silky.”

"Do you ever shut up?"

"Geez, you're rude!”

“And you’re annoying.”

Hilda ignored him, continuing in an airy voice while she adjusted the seat of her panties. “But I guess that's part of your charm, right? _ Grrr, I'm a brooding ferocious wolf, you’ll never tame me but I sure hope you try because I loooove attention!” _

"Are you just going to hang around and insult me?

“No way! I have tons of little jobs and responsibilities waiting for me. Not everybody gets to swing swords around all day and kill baby deer or whatever it is you do.” He watched her dress, too numb to care even though, again, plenty of men would trade places with him in a heartbeat. She turned, sweeping her rosy hair forward to expose the back of her neck. "Button me up, thanks."

Felix obediently snapped her collar into place while she hummed a nonsense little tune to herself. Apologizing for his behavior was out of the question, but he conceded defeat, vowing never to piss her off again. Damn him, he’d never learn.

Hilda gave her thigh-highs a final tug and spun around to face him, fully dressed at last. Despite her annoyance, she looked him up and down and uttered a light “hm”. Felix didn’t have it in him to be embarrassed or flattered. She placed her hands on her hips and sighed. “I’d say this was fun, but you obviously have a bunch of stuff you need to get over.” 

He narrowed his eyes at her as she breezed past him, resisting the urge to fire back.

“Because I’m so forgiving and generous, I’ll give you a word of advice.” Hilda paused to think, her hand on the door frame. “Someone who really wants a guy like you isn’t just going to throw themself at your feet." Her voice took on a cruel, teasing lilt, like one final kick in the gut. "So you’d better make a move soon, Mr. Lone Wolf, because you've got some serious competition.”

Felix, already cowed, ducked his head. He didn’t feel worthy of eye contact. Maybe it would further prove his arrogance, remind him that he knew nothing about this woman. Lazy and manipulative, perhaps, but also wise in her own right and vicious as they come.

“Oh, one more thing!” bubbly, playful Hilda exclaimed, clasping her hands behind her back. “If she does find out about our fleeting yet passionate affair, her opinion of you isn’t going to change.”

He swiped both hands through his tousled hair, still unable to look at her. “How would you know that?”

“Silly, who do you think I’ve been visiting so often?”

_ Oh. _

“Bye-bye!”

Felix said nothing, frozen half-dressed in the middle of his room, crushed, conquered, and unequivocally defeated.

**Author's Note:**

> I 100% endorse Felix being an undercover slut. Can't really call him a himbo because he's not nice to people, but he's...something.


End file.
